Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Spider-cat: No One Home
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?