Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Don’t touch that.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer