My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My current situation
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Ugh but profoundly
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
A roof is a house hat.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma