Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.