It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
happy friday
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Well well well…