Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
i spent way too long on this
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.