Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.