Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Before crowbars crows drank alone
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.