eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
The first matador
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!