Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner