I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.