Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
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*bites zombie*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
what the
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
😂💯
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips