My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You got this…
Oh my God.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.