[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Hey I worked for it too!
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life