I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky