According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.