Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”