Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew