I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
He took my last fry, your honor
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.