My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Good dog. ❤️
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college