Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]