What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?