*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Just as the prophecy foretold
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]