Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy