FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
When you’re here for the treats.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself