An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Nice try, poison.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich