Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
sir, my pâté if you please
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Its a hippotatomus
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
What a kind woman! 😂😂