STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Still my favorite headline of all time:
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute