Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]