Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency