“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
These 3D printers are insane!
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions