Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
plant them where lol
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.