*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick