“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.