Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
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Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
A classic example of a cat being a cat.