I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere