I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
i think we should see other cousins
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open