Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 馃檮
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
What kind of a cult is this?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Don鈥檛 have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger鈥檚 car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Marriage isn鈥檛 between a man and a woman. It鈥檚 between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I鈥檓 going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you鈥檙e having an exitstencil crisis?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I鈥檓 swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn鈥檛 say HUMAN wom鈥攚hat are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it鈥檚 me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I鈥檓 going to use Google Maps regardless
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she鈥檚 fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
This is the most amazing dad shit I鈥檝e ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn鈥檛 drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.