just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore