You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
turning my gender off to conserve energy
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.