Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.