[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
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The real reason evolution started..😂
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.