I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The glory of fall.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”