ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.