I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend