God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
You Might Also Like
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I have many caverns
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
A drum solo but on your face.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken