I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
You Might Also Like
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?