GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Things will get butter, keep churning
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75