ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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*pronounces patio like ratio
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
who wants to go expliring
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.