[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.